babies were throwing up all over the place
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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