please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
