My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
