I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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