I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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