He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize