I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
His nipple licking is glorious
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