i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
