meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
