Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
