It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
