Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize