Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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