I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
