I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
