When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize