hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
