Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
