he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize