I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize