We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
