I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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