I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
