Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She told me I should be a condom model.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
