His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Randomize
