So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
