So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize