In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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