drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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