I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You are the jesus of drinking
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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