: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize