Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
