the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
