I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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