I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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