Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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