When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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