I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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