Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
my poor anus
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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