My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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