Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
