we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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