my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
