so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
