New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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