Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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