Just took my morning after pill in the library
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
