I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
