Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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