3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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