i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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