yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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