I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Porn is love you can see.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
