I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
