Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This is the high leading the old right now
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
